I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
