I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize