wrigley field is MILF paradise
You smell like stripper and shame
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
