the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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