I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I did not marry a roomba.
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