i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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