If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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