Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
