I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
