We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
