I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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