whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
