saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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