I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
