hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
