I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
