i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
