thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
