I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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