If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
