The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize