i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
