So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
