he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
