You don't have asthma, your pregnant
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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