i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
