when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
