please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
