apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
