now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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