Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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