i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
