Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
