I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
It's official drugs can't kill me
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
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