what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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