Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
So squirting runs in the family.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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