I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
