the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
