i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
