oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
