There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
