did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
