I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize