Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
