when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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