If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
