Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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