I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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