i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
