I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
