Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
