dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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