I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
