Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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