mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
