a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
