Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
