two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize