i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
